


To Have and to Hold

by TiaLewise



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! - All Media Types, Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Deathshipping, Dorks in Love, Fluff galore, Healthy Relationships, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, M/M, Oral Sex, Post-Canon, Slice of Life, Strap-Ons, Trans Bakura Ryou, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-02-16 16:40:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18695329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiaLewise/pseuds/TiaLewise
Summary: Navigating the real world as your own person is nerve-wracking at best and simply terrifying at its worst - but Kek doesn't feel so alone anymore, and he's getting there, one step at a time.This fic runs alongside and in the same post-canon setting as"In Sickness and in Health",though both should be able to be read individually without confusion.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DisposableVillain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisposableVillain/gifts).



> Elliot - it always makes me so happy to see your delighted screaming in the comments of fics, whether they be my own works or someone else's. So here, have this to scream over some more. Love ya! ;)

Kek poked his head round the doorway, holding out a clear plastic tub. “How about these?”

Ryou looked up from the mirror, halfway through brushing out his hair. “Oh!” he exclaimed after a moment, breaking into a gentle smile. “I forgot I had oats, actually…yes, those will be perfect.”

“These are oats…?” Kek looked suspiciously at the container, giving its contents a little shake. One might have been eager to call him stupid, or sheltered – well, perhaps the latter part was true. He’d just never seen them before. Malik certainly never ate them when he was young.

“Yes,” Ryou laughed. “Remember when I made those flapjacks? Honestly, Kek, you’re so cute.”

They headed into the kitchen together, where Ryou took the oats from Kek and poured a large heap into another container holding an assortment of grapes, peas, and leftover rice from their breakfast. Kek had spotted some ducks whilst walking by the river last week, and today, he was going to go and feed them – that’s what the food was for. “They’ll like this,” Ryou murmured. “So much better than the rubbish all the tourists throw for them.”

Kek wrapped his arms around Ryou and nuzzled affectionately behind his ear. “Is it bad that I’m super excited for this?”

“Of course not, love. I hope you and Malik have a wonderful time together.”

“Whilst you babysit Bakura.”

“Well,” grinned Ryou, “we always did make a good gaming team.”

They left the apartment soon after that, opting to walk rather than drive. Kek preferred to take in the sights around him at a more leisurely speed – or lack thereof - as though there would never be enough time for him to enjoy the blessings of life and nature. Four months had passed since he and Bakura found themselves shoved out of the darkness and into bodies of their own, but for Kek, that time had passed in the blink of an eye, so fleeting compared to the dull and slow drag of eternal nothingness. He wanted to relish life at his own pace now.

Malik and Bakura’s apartment was around a twenty-minute walk across town. Into the elevator they went, and Ryou knocked once they reached the correct door number.

Malik opened the door a few moments later, beaming from ear to ear when he saw Ryou, and giving Kek a more cautious smile and nod, which he returned. Once over the threshold and the door closed behind them, Malik pressed a kiss to Ryou’s cheek, pulling back with a pleased expression. “Is that a hint of stubble I feel, honey?”

“Yeah,” Ryou giggled, rubbing the smattering of silvery hair along his jaw. Kek leaned down to kiss his other cheek, matching his lover’s pleasure. “Think it came in last week or so? I know I should probably shave it off, but –”

“Don’t be silly,” Malik scoffed. “This is massive for you. Keep it as long as you’re comfortable, yeah?”

“Well, when you put it like that…”

“I’m sure Kek will show you how to shave at some point,” Malik winked at Kek; he let out a bashful chuckle at that.

“Where’s Cersei?” he asked. He knew his nose would probably start running in the next few minutes, but he did so love the little golden kitten Malik brought home last month.

Malik shrugged. “Not seen her since this morning.” Right on cue, a pair of gleaming eyes peered out from under the sofa, and Kek sneezed into his sleeve, sniffing afterwards. How Bakura had come back with a bucketload of allergies and Kek hadn’t was beyond all of them – but perhaps Bakura’s past life in ancient Kemet was testament to his being able to tolerate Cersei where Kek couldn’t.

Speak of the devil, Bakura emerged from the bedroom and gave a little grunt by way of greeting as he passed them. The rash from his last allergic reaction lingered over his nose and cheeks, and he looked tired, but otherwise his regular self - same old scowl and air of giving no fucks. He knelt in front of the TV in the sitting room and started fiddling with various wires tangled around it, while Ryou slipped into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

“I can’t believe you’re actually going to feed the ducks. How fucking old are you again?”

Now that was a thought…Kek wasn’t really all that sure, but he’d just been going off the assumption that he was the same age as Malik, around twenty or twenty-one. Bakura’s tone held its usual ridicule and derision, and Kek loved to push his buttons where he could. “Old enough,” he shrugged.

“To party?”

“To feed ducks, stupid.”

Malik rolled his eyes as he fiddled with his hair in a mirror, much the same as Ryou had been doing before they left. “Behave, Bakura. We’ll only be a few hours.”

Ryou reappeared then, holding a mug of tea each for himself and Bakura. He set them down and stood on tiptoe to kiss Kek's cheek. His shameless displays of affection always had Kek blushing and giggling, and now was no exception. "Have fun, love," Ryou smiled.

"I will," Kek smiled back. He waved at Bakura, who gave him the finger. "Later, nerds!" Malik blew Bakura a kiss and gestured to Kek for them to leave.

Teasing Bakura was fun, and something Kek never hesitated to do, knowing Bakura could give as hard as he got. But with Malik it was a different story. A persistent sense of awkward tension hung on both sides between Malik and his former darkness, both unsure where they stood in terms of the social circle they had both been thrust into. The day out, however, was Malik's suggestion. It was long past due that they had some time together, just the two of them.

"Ryou is looking really well these days." Malik jabbed the button for the lift to take them to the ground floor.

Kek nodded and grinned. "He is, isn't he?"

"Those hormones are treating him right." Malik shot Kek a quick glance up and down. "As are you, I hope."

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I...yeah, that was a bit rude of me. Sorry."

"It's fine," Kek mumbled. "You're protective of him, I know."

"He's been through a lot, and he was there for me when I moved here. I just want him to be happy, Kek. He deserves it."

"I'm doing my best."

"I know."

Kek couldn't really find much fault with Malik's words. After all, leaving your best friend with your vengeful and blood-loving personification of mental illness was never going to sound like it would bode well. Malik wasn't innocent either, though - his actions as a bratty teenage crime lord were all his own, with not a trace of Kek to be seen. He'd settled down a lot since then, just enough to keep his sister's suspicious eyes away from him. Bakura helped, retaining his love of causing trouble but bored with shadow magic and murdering Pharaohs. They fit together well.

Ryou was much the same as Kek - he'd suffered through difficult times, and he was just so tired of it; the fun had gotten old, and now all he wanted was to know where he was, _who_ he was, what he was doing, and to have a pair of warm arms to hold him at the end of it all. Having been a receptable for all of Malik's repressed emotions over the years, Kek ended up relishing the exploration of positive feelings, knowing that he was part of it, not acting against it.

They reached the river, its banks dry and cracked from weeks of baking hot weather. A few ducks sat on the grass, several more paddling off into the water and dipping their heads in. A line of tiny, fluffy ducklings followed one mother duck, their little peeps causing a wide smile to overtake Kek's face. Animals were adorable, and birds he adored more than most. The freedom they embodied as they took to the skies reminded him of his own journey towards the sunlight, soaring onto the path towards becoming a decent human being.

Malik, however, hung back, looking wary. “Do they bite?” he whispered.

“Only one way to find out.”

“That is _not_ how I – okay, you know what, have your hand ripped off, be my guest.”

Kek only laughed in reply. He pulled out the tub of feed he and Ryou made up and poured some into his hand. Kneeling, he held the hand out as a few ducks waddled over, eager to inspect the contents of his palm. They clucked and quacked as they ate, nibbling on Kek’s fingers, and tears rose to his eyes, but not from pain. No, pain was the furthest thing from his mind, a thought that had become increasingly common as he learned his way around life. It had been overwhelming at first, but now, it was like floating through a soft, pink haze: warm, welcomed… _wanted._

“See, Malik? Your perfect manicure is safe.”

Malik scoffed, but he did grab a handful of the feed and toss a little onto the grass. The remaining ducks in the water scurried up onto the bank at the sight of food. “They’re kinda cute, I guess.”

“I love their bright little eyes, and how the water beads up on their feathers,” Kek murmured. “Look, this one’s male, you can tell because their colours are more vibrant…and the brown ones are females. They’re all beautiful, though, aren’t they?”

An odd expression crossed Malik’s face. He knelt too, coming down to Kek’s level. They were the same height, but the unkemptness of Kek’s spikes made him look taller. “You’ve changed.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Kek scattered more feed for the ducks milling around their feet.

“Not bad, just…I’m still not used to imagining you as a person.”

“I know. Me neither.”

Malik smiled then. “I suppose we should give it more of a go.”

“I’d like that.”

“I bet Ryou would as well.”

Kek nodded. “He’s already so pleased that we’re out here together. Things have been awkward, but…” He tailed off, unsure.

Malik picked up where he left off, “But that’s to be expected, given what you and I went through. And then having to face each other as two separate people, of course it’s going to be awkward.”

“Yeah,” Kek nodded. “Neither of us were particularly good people, either. But that’s changed, too. And I have Ryou, and you have Bakura. We’re happy, right?”

“Happier than I deserve, probably,” admitted Malik, looking sombre. “After everything I did…I shouldn’t have as good a life as I have.”

Kek put an arm round Malik’s shoulders, careful to avoid brushing over the scars he knew Malik couldn’t stand to be touched. Malik rested his head on Kek’s shoulder and let out a little sigh. “All we can do is do our best,” Kek said. “I’m trying. We all are.”

“…You know, I really like this side of you.”

“Yeah, who’d have thought your mad alter could ever amount to anything?”

“Ryou did. He believed in you when I was too scared to.” Malik looked up, his eyes shining. “He was right to trust you, Kek – and I’m sorry that it took me so long to do the same.”


	2. Chapter 2

Kek had been irritable and rather destructive ever since he woke up. So far, he had repeatedly shouted at a video game, broken two mugs, and then burst into tears when Ryou swept up the shattered porcelain and made a fresh mug of coffee for him. Ryou had never seen him so inconsolable, not even in the first few days after Kek came back. His despair was understandable then – he’d been separated from Malik, and forced to accept his past, and it might have destroyed him, had Ryou not taken him in and looked after him.

Today, though…he couldn’t put his finger on what had his love so upset, and he couldn’t stand the thought of being unable to soothe his pain. So when Kek eventually retreated to their room to take a nap, Ryou curled up on the sofa and called Malik.

“Hi, honey.” Malik sounded completely exhausted on the other end of the line.

“Oh, good heavens, Malik. Have you had  _ any  _ sleep?”

“Not really.”

“Are you at least home now?”

“Yeah, one of the nurses booted me out this morning.”

“I’ll leave you to rest, then – ”

“No, don’t worry about it – what do you need?”

Ryou shifted to get a little more comfortable, hugging his knees to his chest. “Kek is being a nightmare,” he sighed.

“Are you safe?” Malik asked quickly.

“Yes, yes, I’m safe – he’s just really upset about something and I don’t know what.”

“Oh…” Ryou heard a faint  _ clink  _ in the background; it sounded like Malik was getting up to make coffee for himself. “Where is he now?”

“In bed. I think he wore himself out crying.”

“Do you fancy coming over to keep me company? We can talk properly then.”

Ryou smiled. “That sounds nice. I’ll come right away.”

“See you soon, honey.” Ryou could hear the smile being returned in Malik’s voice.

Ryou left a note for Kek to say where he’d gone, knowing he was likely to panic if he woke up and found the apartment empty for no reason; then he hopped into the car and made the quick drive across Domino. 

Malik had left the door unlocked, so Ryou let himself in. He found his friend in the kitchen, washing up at the sink with his hair in a messy ponytail, and wearing sweatpants and one of Bakura’s hoodies. He wiped his hands on his legs as Ryou came in and turned to embrace him. “That was fast.”

“Malik.”

“Uh-oh, that’s your stern voice.”

“You look like you’re doing that thing where you stop taking care of yourself again.” 

Malik drew back, frowning. “Sorry. Habit’s hard to kick.”

“I know. Go and sit down, I’ll make more coffee.”

“You’re an angel.” Malik kissed Ryou’s cheek and ambled off, yawning. 

Ryou came through to the living room a few minutes later with steaming mugs of coffee, and sat down next to Malik on the sofa. “How’s Bakura?” he asked as he passed a mug over. 

“Utterly miserable,” Malik replied, eyes downcast. “Doesn’t know what to do with himself. Nurse let me listen to his chest with her stethoscope - his lungs sound like literal hell."

“Did they say how long he’ll be in for?”

“Till he starts to respond well enough to treatment – oh, and we can add penicillin to the never-ending list of things he’s allergic to, he broke out in hives within minutes of being given it.” A small, amused smile lifted Malik’s lips. “He did laugh about it this morning, though. Can’t imagine why, nope, not at all.”

Ryou squeezed Malik’s hand. “I’m sure he’ll be better soon. He’s a fighter.”

“If only to bitch at me some more, but he’s lucky I like him sometimes.” Malik sipped his coffee, looking a little brighter. “So tell me what’s happened with Kek.”

All Ryou could do was shrug. “I honestly don’t know what’s up with him. He got mad, smashed a few things and then started crying on me. I wish I could do something to make him feel better, but he won’t tell me what’s upsetting him.”

“And you’ve never mentioned anything like this before, so I assume this is new.”

“Yeah. I’ve seen him upset before, but not like today.”

“How was he last night? Did anything change in your normal daily routine?”

Ryou sat back, crossing his legs and humming. “Well, I did some unexpected overtime at work and got home late. He was fine then. You called later on, and after that he went quiet for a – oh.” Ryou put his mug down on the coffee table, shaking his head. “Oh, I’m an idiot.” It made sense now; of course Kek wouldn’t admit how he was feeling about…oh, but Malik was staring at him with evident confusion. Explain, explain.

“I think it’s Bakura,” Ryou murmured. “He’s worried about him. I know they don’t get on well, but Kek does care about you two, and it wouldn’t surprise me if that was pissing him off now.”

“Bakura’s been in hospital before,” Malik replied, “and only quite recently at that.”

“They’d both only been back for a week at that point. Kek couldn’t have cared less if the whole world blew up, he was still trying to process being human.”

A tired, but pleased-looking smile worked its way onto Malik's face. "Kek is impressing me more and more every day, you know."

"He just needed to be given a chance."

"I see that now. Well, I saw it when we went out together last week." Malik knocked back the rest of his coffee and put the empty mug aside. "You could always go and see him, if that helps Kek any. Visiting hours are a bit strict if you're not family or spouse, though; they tried to keep me away for ages before I snapped at them."

"You're his boyfriend, though!"

"Yeah, try telling Japan that." Malik's face crumpled as he stared into his lap, and Ryou reached out to take his hand, sliding close afterwards so their heads pressed together. "I think I'd go crazy without you around, you know. Thanks, honey."

"Someone has to balance out the madness Bakura brings in."

"True," Malik laughed, nuzzling Ryou’s cheek, "and I still can't get enough of feeling this stubble on you. Very manly."

"It's starting to annoy me now." Ryou drew back and rubbed his cheek. "It was cool at first, but now it's just kinda scratchy and the skin underneath is getting dry."

Malik stood from the sofa and pulled Ryou to his feet, dragging him towards the bathroom. "Kek had his chance to show you how to shave and he blew it. Allow me."

* * *

A few hours later, Ryou headed home, clean-shaven and feeling more confident. He would have stayed longer, but Malik began falling asleep midway through their fifth mugs of coffee and probably would have faceplanted the table had Ryou not ordered him to bed.

He'd texted Bakura to see how he was doing, and received a gif of Luffy shoving a half-bandaged zombie back into its grave with the caption "actual footage of my life rn." In Ryou's mind, that was Bakura-speak for _"can I go home now,"_ though it could also have been _"I miss One Piece", "I'm suffering greatly and thus must disguise my anguish with memes and other miscellaneous millennial humour",_ or, quite simply, _"brains."_ Whatever the meaning, it sounded like Bakura still had a little humour in him, and for that Ryou could be thankful.

When Ryou walked in, he found Kek doing press-ups in the living room whilst watching  _ Dragon Ball  _ on the TV - though he had dropped to his belly at the sight of Ryou walking in and now looked guilty in response to Ryou’s smile. Even - or perhaps especially - flushed and dripping with sweat, Kek was gorgeous, and Ryou just about lost his breath whenever their eyes met. 

"Hi, love." Ryou hung up his jacket by the door. "How was your nap?"

Kek paused the episode and got to his feet, reaching for a towel to wipe his face and chest. "I expected you to come in yelling at me.”

“What good would that do?”

“I was yelling earlier.”

“We don’t solve problems by shouting, Kek.” Ryou held his arms out, and Kek cautiously approached, looking rather like a puppy caught chewing his owner’s favourite shoes. Ryou continued to smile, gentle and comforting, and when Kek reached him, he wrapped his arms around Kek’s waist and nuzzled his broad chest, sucking in the scent of sweat and skin. Kek cradled him close, stroking his waterfall of white hair. 

“It’s hard, isn’t it...to talk about emotions you don’t think you should be feeling. Or to talk at all. You were so used to taking on everything Malik didn’t want to feel, but now you have a choice...I’d be overwhelmed as well, if it were me.”

Kek sniffed. “You’re always so kind. I’ve never deserved it.”

“It would take more than a few broken mugs to scare me away, and even then, I’d never give up on you that easily.” A stretch on tiptoes, and their lips met once, twice, a third tender brush before pulling away. “I used to be sad and angry, too,” Ryou whispered. “Sad that I couldn’t help the spirit in the Ring, or my friends...angry that I was born into a body I didn’t want. It took a long time for me to accept that asking for help was okay, that I didn’t have to suffer on my own. If nothing else, I learned that it was okay to be weak. In a way, that became my strength to  _ do  _ something about the things that made me sad and angry.”

Rough fingers traced Ryou’s cheek, smoothing over the delicate skin. Tears shone in Kek’s eyes, magnifying the glittering purple of his irises. “I never thought of you as weak. Not once. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

“It’s because of the love and support around me that I can be strong now. As can you. As can all of us.”

A shuddering breath escaped Kek, his hold on Ryou trembling. “I felt awful, when I woke up and found you’d left. I didn’t know what to do, and I was too scared to call you, even when I knew you were only with Malik. All I could think was that you hated me.” The tears fell now, clear streams dampening his cheeks, and Ryou reached up to brush them away tenderly. “Watching anime makes me happy, and exercising, so I thought if I did both together, I’d be better...but nothing made me as happy as when you walked through the door just now, and smiled at me. I thought my heart might burst.”

It was working. He was talking, letting out those bottled-up emotions. Ryou nodded, encouraging him. The silence seemed to help, bringing forth the need for Kek to fill it with words.

“Gods, Ryou, I’m s-so sorry…” Kek let out a sob before crushing Ryou to him in a tight embrace. “That dumbass landed himself in hospital and I was so  _ mad  _ at him for not taking care of himself, but the more I thought about it, the more anxious I got, and then I couldn’t think of anything else, and when I tried to stop thinking, I got mad again...I  _ hate  _ feeling all this, but I need to, don’t I? Horrible emotions won’t stop just because I’m not part of Malik anymore. I don’t have to deal with it on my own.” Sighing, his hold on Ryou loosened a little. “It’s okay to let you in. That’s what love is about, isn’t it? Being there for hard times as well as the good ones.”

Ryou beamed up at Kek. “You understand now why I wouldn’t have run away.”

“Yeah, I think I do. And I’ll replace the mugs, of course.”

“Don’t worry about the mugs, silly. I can replace a bit of porcelain easy enough, but I can’t replace  _ you.” _

Kek let out a watery chuckle. “You’re so precious. I love you so much, Ryou...so much…”

“I love you too, Kek. More than I could ever fully put into words.”

Their lips crashed back together, a desperation in their movements now. Ryou clung to Kek’s waist, ridges of scar tissue firm beneath his fingertips. Kek caressed Ryou’s cheek with one hand, and held his lower back with the other. Their bodies pressed as close as they could get as their eyes closed and their mouths opened, seeking each other out with lips and tongue.

They broke away, flushed and panting. Kek wiped his lips, a dilated want in his eyes. “Then don’t put it into words. Show me instead.”

And no words could have better described the intent behind Ryou taking Kek’s hand and leading him towards their bedroom. No, none at all.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Content warning - this chapter is focused on mourning and remembrance.**
> 
>  
> 
> Bashed this out in like two hours after a shot of rum. Booze makes me write, for whatever reason.

* * *

Kek never paid much attention to the passing of time, but one day he noticed a circle on the calendar Ryou kept on the kitchen wall for two days from then.

The next day Ryou came home with a box of incense, and white flowers – chrysanthemums, he called them, which he placed in some water. Kek knew what the blossoms meant in Japanese tradition, though the concept of mourning, or grief, was foreign to him. He’d enjoyed delivering death, a long time ago, but those days often felt so far away now, like an unwelcome dream that came back every few sleeps. The dead were dead. He felt little need to remind himself of that with smoke and petals.

Still, the drive to comfort Ryou was there, regardless of the situation. So when they went to bed that night, maybe Kek held Ryou a little longer. Maybe he kissed his brow, and stroked his hair, and told him how special he was. He didn’t know who had left such a gap in Ryou’s life, but Ryou seemed to appreciate the sentiment nonetheless, as he always did, and always had done.

Ryou made a huge breakfast for them both in the morning: bacon, eggs, mushrooms, sausages, tomatoes, toast, and a slice of something dark and speckled with white that Kek didn’t recognise but tasted delicious. “Black pudding,” Ryou told him as they ate, and drank mugs of strong tea. “It’s essentially a sausage of pig’s blood with some grain thrown in. Sounds vile, but it’s good, right?”

“So fucking good.” Kek bolted it down, not fazed in the slightest by its origin and inwardly smirking at the face Malik would make if he could see them eating such a dish. “I think I’ve seen this whole setup before…English?”

Ryou nodded, swallowing a mouthful of tomato. “Yes, that’s right,” he said once his throat was clear. “Mum’s side of the family is English, and I don’t cook this sort of thing often, but now and then it makes a nice change.”

“Everything you make is amazing.”

“Thank you.” Ryou had the good grace to blush as he sipped his tea.

Ryou’s parents were a bit of an enigma to Kek. Neither had been around much as far as Kek knew, with the only knowledge he had of them being that Ryou’s father had given him the Millennium Ring back when he was a child. That aside, they might as well have been whispers on the wind. He’d never thought to ask Ryou about them, especially as he disliked thinking of his own pseudo-family. The question hung now, tempting on the tip of his tongue, then swallowed with a hearty bite of bacon and egg a moment later. It didn’t matter, he surmised.

Later, he helped Ryou with cleaning the apartment, then Kek worked out and took a shower. Ryou was by the front door, slipping on his shoes when Kek emerged, dried and dressed, from their room. “You’re going now?” Kek asked.

“Yes, I probably should,” Ryou replied. “Why? Do you…want to come with me?”

Kek scratched his head. “Should I? Is it such a good idea?”

“I don’t see why not.” Ryou gave him a warm smile. “It would be lovely for you to meet each other.”

Now Kek was just confused, but he followed suit in putting his shoes on and following Ryou out the door. At the last minute Ryou dashed back inside, having picked up the incense but forgotten the flowers, then they were on their way; walking, as was Kek’s favourite, and the balmy mid-afternoon air ruffled his hair pleasantly and brought a pink flush to Ryou’s cute, round cheeks. He found himself taking Ryou’s hand as they walked. Nobody was around to care, and if they were, fuck them. Ryou never minded, and indeed, he usually initiated the gesture himself.

The area of Domino they arrived at was unfamiliar. Quiet and tranquil, which Kek liked, and full of nature. Ryou took them up to a church, its tall stone tower standing high and painted glass adorning each window. Surrounding the church lay the cemetery – their ultimate destination.

Kek realised with a jolt that he had never set foot on holy grounds, nor did he particularly worship any gods. He explained as such to Ryou, who laughed softly. “I’m not exactly religious myself,” Ryou said, as they weaved through neat rows of headstones, “though of course we know first-hand that the Ancient Egyptian pantheon exists. Who’s to say about others? Like most Japanese families, my own family observed a mixture of Shinto and Buddhist traditions when the occasion called for it.”

“So why a church?”

“Because it was for her.”

“Her?”

“Yes. Here she is.” Ryou stopped in front of a rounded headstone. “Kek, I’d like you to meet my mother, Jenny…and my baby sister, Amane, too.”

 _Fuck…_ Kek approached the headstone with his breath having frozen in his chest. Suddenly a whole lot made sense. “Damn, Ryou. I’m – ”

To his surprise, Ryou held up a hand and smiled. “Don’t say you’re sorry. I’ve heard it all before, and believe me, it’s okay. _I’m_ okay.” He knelt before the headstone, brushing his fingers over the katakana and kanji engraved into it.

_Jennifer Bakura, beloved wife, sister and mother_

_1958 - 1991_

_Forever in the gardens of the Lord_

_Amane Bakura, blessed daughter and sister_

_1984 – 1991_

_An angel eternal_

 “Are you wondering why I’m not sad?”

Kek sat in the grass beside Ryou. “Maybe a little. People tend to get sad when they lose a loved one, don’t they?”

Ryou hummed briefly. “I was devastated at first, of course. It was like my whole world was ripped from me. I was eleven, and some things, you just don’t understand till you’re a lot older.” Kek nodded, knowing that all too well. “They died in a hit and run, ten years ago today. Nobody could have prevented it, and the person who did it was sent to prison for life. Mum died instantly, but Amane, she…she hung on a little longer. She was able to say she loved us before she joined Mum. And I didn’t understand at the time why they were taken from me, but now I know they _had_ to be. If they had survived the accident, they wouldn’t be the same. They would have been damaged forever, unable to have a good quality of life. For them…after what happened, dying was probably a mercy.”

“Ryou…” Kek put an arm around Ryou’s shoulders. “How do you cope?”

“It’s not so bad.” Ryou leaned into Kek and nuzzled him. “It was harder when I was always on my own and Dad was burying himself in his work to forget he ever had a family. But now I’ve got a family of friends, and I’m not alone anymore. Mum and Amane would kick my ass if I moped over them, and knowing that, it’s easy to smile, and just…remember them fondly.” He laid the white chrysanthemums on the grave, patting the earth around the blossoms as if they might take root and grow. “People come and go, live and die. That’s how it’s always been. Mum, she was raised Protestant, and she wanted to be laid to rest in God’s embrace. She and Amane were cremated, and when we moved to Domino, we purchased the plot of land and buried their urns here. Amane would have wanted to be with her mother, always.”

Sniffing, Kek wiped his cheeks on the sleeve of his jacket. “Makes me wonder what became of Malik’s mother after she died.”

“I’m sure she was given a very respectable burial.” Ryou turned in his love’s embrace and cupped his cheeks tenderly. “She died bringing you into the world. The trueborn son of your clan. She would have been revered and honoured.”

Kek shook his head. “That was Malik. I’m not him.”

“You were as much a part of him as he was until the day you split. She was your mother, too. Don’t take that away from yourself, Kek.”

“Ryou…”

Their lips met in a gentle kiss, full of love and admiration. Never before had Kek felt so connected to Ryou; bound through a mutual knowledge of pain and loss, and yet, somehow, they could only be positive about such emotions. Kek, still learning to feel, and Ryou, willing to share it all with him. They broke apart, and Ryou pulled a lighter from his pocket and lit the incense to place in the holders beneath each name.

Kek watched the smoke curling from the fragrant cones, inhaling their woody scent: frankincense, cedarwood, myrrh. How wrong he had been, to assume little stock in remembering the dead. Every day spent with Ryou was a day he learned something new about the world that brought him home…something that gradually brought back the shattered pieces of his soul, piece by piece. He’d never known his own identity as strongly as he knew now, felt his _ib_ resonating with his _ren,_ the first missing pieces that Ryou had given him. Gradually, he was becoming whole.

Ryou brushed a little moss off the headstone with his fingers. “Every year,” he said, “on this day, I make a big breakfast, just as I remember Mum used to on Sundays. Then I come here, clean the headstone if it needs it, and leave the incense and flowers for them. Once I go home, I look through the old photo album and break out the wine. It’s like a trip down the best memory lane you can imagine.”

Kek kissed Ryou’s cheek. “I’m really glad I was able to share this with you.”

“And I you.” Ryou slipped a hand into Kek’s, squeezing softly. “Come on, let’s go home. I have a lot of pictures to show you – tease me about my haircut as a kid and I _will_ bury you here, you got it?”

“Y-Yes, sir!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter just turned into smut. You're welcome. I did mean to get this out for Deathshipping week, but I'm lazy and I forgot.
> 
> There is discussion of sex-related dysphoria, but hopefully I've done my best to approach it sensitively. Do let me know if something needs changing, though.

“Oh, fuck! Yes! Harder!"

Ryou could never get enough of Kek’s voice, deep and primal with lust, crying out and begging for more. He had Kek on hands and knees on their bed, Ryou himself situated behind Kek, cock ramming into Kek at a furious pace. Sweat drenched their bodies and Ryou’s hips ached, they’d been going for a while, but Kek was too beautiful, his screams too addictive to ever entertain the thought of stopping or slowing down. 

He dug his fingers harder into Kek’s hip with one hand, and reached for the lube with the other. A quick squirt onto Kek’s asshole, and then they were moving more fluidly, Kek letting out an appreciative hum when the cool gel hit his hot skin. The bottle dropped back to the bed, and Kek fumbled for it himself to spill a glob into his palm. Ryou almost purred at the sight. 

“Ready to come, love?”

“Gods, yes,” Kek moaned, arching his back as he began stroking himself with his slick hand. Shudders rippled up his back, muscles clenching tightly in his pleasure. The sight had Ryou moaning with him, completely enraptured in the moment.

"Lower your hips.”

Kek did as he was told. “Like this?”

“Yes.” Ryou readjusted his grip and hiked forwards again. As soon as Kek threw back his head and wailed Ryou’s name, Ryou knew he’d got the right position. He continued to nudge up against Kek’s prostate with every thrust, gripping his hips tightly. A few minutes later Kek’s whole body tensed and he gasped as he climaxed, spilling over the bedclothes. 

“Fuck…” Kek dropped his forehead to the mattress, panting.

Ryou pulled out with a giggle and reached for a pack of tissues next to the bed. “You look like you enjoyed that.”

“Mm…give me a minute and I’ll finish you off.” Kek rolled onto his back and took the tissues, starting to clean himself and the bed.

“You don’t have to.” Ryou ran his lube-free hand through Kek’s sweat-dampened hair.

“Hush, I want to.” Finished, Kek threw the tissues into a nearby bin and scooted up the bed. They’d been perpendicular to the headboard before, and now he lay with his head nestled in the pillows. “Get your cute ass up here,” he growled, “and sit on my face.”

Ryou couldn’t have pulled his harness off faster, throwing it to the floor and scrambling up Kek’s body. His loins throbbed and tingled with anticipation as he gazed down at Kek, just a pair of gleaming purple eyes between his legs. Ryou loved the sight. The harness was good, giving a little pressure to grind against between thrusts, but the true magic was in the wild tongue of his lover. 

He would have mused further, but Kek’s mouth sucking on his swollen clit swiftly drove any remaining thoughts clear out of his head, and he closed his eyes, moaning instead. Ryou gripped the headboard tightly and his hips twitched, rocking on a mindless instinct closer to Kek’s mouth, a silent plea for more. And Kek gave without inhibition, lips and tongue working diligently to drive Ryou into a delirious mess of pleasure. 

“Gods, Kek...” Ryou worked his hips a little faster.

Kek uttered a muffled hum below him. Pulling back a moment to draw breath, he whispered, “Am I doing okay?”

“Always.”  

Kek grinned and got back to work. His tongue fluttered over Ryou’s sensitive flesh, lapping at the tip before sucking it into his mouth again, making Ryou buck and squeal with desire. Already he was hovering on the brink, gasping,  _ desperate.  _ Always so attentive, Kek listened to his sounds, paid attention to the way his body moved, and soon enough Ryou was yanking at Kek's hair and screaming as he shuddered with a powerful orgasm.

Panting, Ryou slipped away from the headboard and rolled to snuggle up into Kek's shoulder. "Was the harness okay?" he asked, stroking a hand across the firm muscle of Kek's stomach. "Did I go too hard?"

Kek shook his head, chuckling. "No, snowflake, it was all good." He graced his lips across Ryou's brow, nuzzling him afterwards. "How are you feeling after that?"

Ryou pondered a moment. How  _ did  _ he feel?

Sex in the past had always brought about feelings of intense dysphoria, unable to shake off the conviction that he was disgusting, an alien, a freak; he'd rarely enjoyed the act as a result. Even when he and Kek were together the first time he closed his eyes, spread his legs, and turned away, waiting for Kek to mount him the way the others usually did.

But when Kek saw him like that, anger and shame overtook his features as he pulled Ryou to sitting, took both his hands, and whispered,  _ "No, dammit. You're not a toy; I won't have you lie there and expect to be treated like one. Why did you let me even go this far, if you really want anything but?" _

_ "Because I...I wanted to make you happy."  _ Ryou had cried then, never feeling more of a freak than he did at that moment. The binder had stayed on, but now it felt too tight to breathe, but it had to stay on or Kek would see, but it was too tight to breathe, but -

_ "Nobody should ever feel happy to take their pleasure the way you were going to let me!"  _ Horror tinged Kek's voice, never sounding less like the sadomasochistic alter he had once been. Ryou remembered the light touch on his cheeks, calloused fingers wiping away tears.  _ "Don't have me break you. You  _ need  _ to tell me if you don't want something. Don't make me a monster all over again, Ryou. I couldn't take that. I can't hurt you. I can't hurt anyone close to me ever again." _

They talked most all night after that. Boundaries, fantasies, hard and soft limits - little had been hidden from wanting ears and curious minds. When dawn rose up over Domino like a lover's slow caress, Ryou's yearning won over. He allowed Kek to enter him then, and it was every bit as wonderful as he could have wished for.

And now, whenever Ryou was with Kek, he felt freer, less hindered by the body he'd been born into. Kek made him feel beautiful, valued. Like living his life might be a little easier, now. The dysphoria might never fade, even with hormones and surgery and the passing of time it might never fade, but he now knew that for the time being - and hopefully for a long time to come - he didn't have to sit through it alone.

So he nodded, back in the present, and kissed Kek's lips sweetly, tenderly. "I feel amazing."

"Good." Kek rolled onto his side and gathered Ryou in his arms, ready for a nap.

* * *

 

Several hours later, a despondent Ryou stared at the cupboards in the kitchen. “I have absolutely no motivation to cook anything.”

“Then don’t,” Kek shrugged, looking up briefly from his sketchbook. “We can always order in.”

“Yeah, but - ”

“Ryou Bakura, if I hear one word out of your mouth about getting fat, I am banning you from creampuffs for eternity.”

“...Okay, so pizza?”

Kek grinned, chuckling. “Perfect.” As Ryou turned and went to sit next to him at the table, he picked up his phone and started swiping and tapping. “We’ve been needing a lazy day for a while.”

Ryou tugged absently at his binder. “Yeah...felt like I’ve not been able to relax lately. So much going on.”

“Least Bakura hasn’t landed himself in hospital again.”

“True.” Ryou cracked a smile at that. Their dumbass friend had actually been a lot more responsible since being discharged; he even went and got his long-overdue vaccinations with minimal complaint. Ryou would have been proud, had Bakura not threatened him with dismemberment if he so much as indicated it. 

“I don’t like it when you’re stressed.” Kek put his phone aside and began combing his fingers through Ryou’s hair; Ryou winced as he pulled on a few tangles by accident. “You’ve been looking after everybody but yourself...right, go and sit in the living room, I’m pampering you till this pizza arrives.”

“How nice to know I’m only important till pizza,” Ryou laughed, sounding remarkably like his former dark side. Nevertheless, he jumped inside at the chance to be pampered, and all but ran to the living room and plonked himself onto the sofa, crossing his legs and waiting patiently. Kek went into their bedroom, returning a few minutes later with an armful of bottles and tools. “So what are you planning to do?” Ryou asked.

“Um…” Kek scratched his head. “I don’t know, really. Just thought I’d see where it takes me?” He sat behind Ryou and picked up a hairbrush. “Tell me if you want me to stop, alright?”

“Alright.” Ryou smiled softly and closed his eyes.

It was a wonderful feeling, being able to sit back and let the hard work go to someone else for a change - not that Kek never did anything, but he was right; Ryou always seemed to want to look after everything and everyone by himself. Kek started from the bottom of his hair, brushing slowly and gently so as not to snag the thick white locks. He sighed happily, relaxing already. "This is nice."

"I'm glad." Kek moved up Ryou's hair with longer strokes as the hair untangled. 

Once Ryou's hair was smooth from root to tip, Kek put the brush aside and slipped his fingers through instead, starting to massage Ryou's scalp. Ryou uttered a low groan, tingles shimmering up and down his spine. Kek chuckled behind him, clearly pleased. "Oh, that feels lovely…" Ryou whispered. "Please could you do my neck as well?"

Kek planted a kiss on said area. "I was going to."

Ryou slipped his shirt off to give Kek more room to work, and tied up his hair. Kek dripped a little oil from an ampoule onto his palms and rubbed them together before gently stroking down Ryou's neck and shoulders. "I love touching you like this," Kek admitted; Ryou could almost hear the blush in his voice. "Your skin is so soft, and you're always so happy when I touch you...it makes me happy, too."

"How did someone as sweet and attentive as you come out of an ass like Malik?" Ryou joked.

Kel leaned close, nipping Ryou's earlobe. Ryou gasped, not expecting the sharp, but not unwanted, sensation, and a warm tingle began to stir in his jeans. "Perhaps I got stuck with his more redeeming qualities."

"Bite me again," Ryou murmured, "and I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from pouncing on you."

"See, when you put it like that, I automatically want to bite you again - " Ryou held his breath, but Kek just snorted and went back to massaging his neck - "But you have to wait till I'm done."

"Bastard."

"What can I say?" Kek lowered his hands down Ryou's back, kneading his knuckles over the binder. "I can be an ass, too."

Ryou knew he could endure the pleasurable torture only a few minutes more. Kek reached his lower back and worked the tension out of the sore muscles there, then bade Ryou lie on his front so he could massage his glutes. Positioned as they were, Ryou felt Kek's erection hot and thick between his thighs, and did his best to push back against it, but Kek swatted his backside in reprimand. 

"Okay, you're done - " Kek slid back, and Ryou got up, turned, and shoved Kek back on the sofa, clambering up to straddle his lap. Gleaming, jewel-bright eyes gazed up at him, just the hint of a pout on his broad lips, and Ryou smiled at the flush colouring Kek's high cheekbones.

"You got me all worked up." Ryou dipped his head to brush their noses together.

"I was supposed to be pampering you," Kek half-grumbled.

"Yeah? So mind telling me why there's a condom in amongst all the stuff you brought?" Ryou burst out laughing at the cornered look on Kek's face. "Yeah, thought so."

"Well...I mean...it was just in case...well, you're not always...you know…" Kek shook his head a moment, then smiled. "Can I?"

Ryou nodded, already unbuttoning Kek's shirt. "I'd be quite offended if you didn't, love."

Their lips crashed together hungrily, Ryou's fingers prying the cloth of Kek's shirt open and pinching his stiffening nipples until he started moaning. They rocked against each other, pressing their arousals together and doing little to sate their burning desires, but they  _ needed _ to,  _ needed _ to. 

"Mmm, Ryou…" Kek fumbled with the button on Ryou's jeans and yanked the zip down as Ryou slipped his hands into Kek's sweatpants, going straight for his cock and stroking. "Yes, like that."

"How much time do you think we have?" Ryou giggled, hitching against the rough palm rubbing between his thighs. 

"Never enough. Never."

Kek's sweatpants and boxers dropped to the floor soon after, and Ryou moved down on the sofa, smoothing his hands over Kek's hips and thighs as he lowered his mouth to his love's cock. He closed his lips around the tip, and Kek sighed, eyelashes fluttering. He let a hand wander into Ryou's hair, making a complete mess of his ponytail, but Ryou didn't care. He loved seeing Kek in pleasure, loved being the one to give it to him. 

On his dysphoric days it was all he used to be able to do if anything, unwilling to let anyone near his own body; comfortable as he was now with his and Kek's intimacy, oral sex still brought about a particular sense of achievement, not least the look of complete rapture in Kek's eyes as he watched his length disappearing down Ryou's throat. 

Ryou popped off and wiped his lips. "Here?"

"Damn right." Kek sat up and quickly rid Ryou of his jeans and boxers. He threw them aside, then tore open the condom packet and rolled the sheath over his cock. Ryou sat in his lap, drawing in for a sweet kiss, soft despite their burning, aching need for each other; their arms each wound tight around the other, keeping their bodies together, their hearts beating almost in sync. 

"I love you," Ryou whispered.

Kek smiled. "I love you too."

Ryou lifted his hips then, and sank slowly down Kek's length. Kek his his face in Ryou's hair, groaning softly, Ryou breathing slow and deep. There was always that initial stab of dysphoria, no matter how comfortable he felt - a conditioning yet to be unlearned, perhaps - but it passed quickly, and once it did, Ryou nudged Kek's face up so they could kiss again. "You okay?"

Kek chuckled. Sweat already beaded his temples. "I should be asking you that."

"I'm fine." Ryou teased Kek's chest, never tiring of the firm muscles beneath his skin. He began to move, slow, careful rolls of his hips. Kek gripped Ryou's waist and shuddered, a moan escaping him. The sound was encouraging, prompting Ryou to release a huff of breath and move faster.

"Oh, Ryou, yes!"

"Is it - is it good?" Ryou gasped for breath between words.

"Fuck, yes! Yes!" 

Their lips met in a hungry clash, meshing together as best they could with Ryou's body still circling back and forth. He felt Kek's fingers digging into his hair now as well as his waist, the sharp, tugging sensation a delicious spark across his nerves. He moved faster, pressing closer, letting his clit rub against Kek's lower belly with every push and pull of their bodies. The new hormones had started to make it bigger, so orgasm came easier, especially in this position; he could be thankful for that little blessing.

They stopped a moment, just to add a dash of lube, and Kek began lifting Ryou up and slamming him back down on his cock, to strong bursts of ecstasy that had Ryou tipping his head back and moaning freely to the air. He kept his hips tight against Kek's, chasing the high so close to his grasp. 

Almost…

"Oh, Kek!"

Almost…

"Gods, Ryou, come for me!"

Closer-closer-closer-

_ "I'm coming! I'm coming! Ohhhh!"  _ Ryou jerked and spasmed in Kek's arms, crying out with sheer bliss. He slumped forward afterwards, drained and panting. "Holy fuck...my hips are killing me."

Kek kissed his temple. "Hold on tight." Ryou obeyed, and Kek lifted him up to lower their bodies to the sofa, Ryou on his back and Kek atop him. Kek dropped another kiss, to Ryou's nose this time. "Can I carry on?"

Ryou mock-scowled. "Don't you dare stop."

Laughing, Kek slipped back inside. Ryou shuddered, sensitive and overstimulated, but he clung to Kek's shoulders and rode it out till the post-orgasmic intensity passed. Kek's scars ran jagged and deep beneath his fingers, yet he never noticed them in the throes of passion, just another part of Kek for him to love and caress. 

"Close…" Kek grunted, breathless as he thrust. "Can't...hold out much…"

Ryou wrapped his legs round Kek's waist and hitched up his hips. "Come, love."

Kek started to tremble, face buried in the crook of Ryou's neck. Ryou gasped as Kek bit down, moaning afterwards and clinging tighter, even as Kek sucked hard at his neck as he shook with orgasm. The deep, rhythmic pulsing of Kek pouring out inside Ryou had him closing his eyes and smiling, such a delightful sensation. 

Slowly, Kek released his hold on Ryou's neck, nuzzling the marked area afterwards. "Sorry, love."

"Hush, you know I like it." Ryou rubbed the sore spot, giggling. "Oh, that was so good, though, wasn't it?"

Kek returned the giggle. "Absolutely." With a wince, he pulled out and disposed of the condom, wiped himself down, and snuggled back on the sofa with Ryou, holding him close to his chest. "You're amazing."

"You're one to talk," Ryou smiled gently, kissing Kek's lips. "Look what you do to me. I'm a mushy mess."

"You deserve to be able to feel like that. You deserve the world. I'd tear down everything that mattered in this world if it meant I could give it all to you." 

"Kek…" Happy tears welled in Ryou's brown eyes. Kek wiped them away, looking a little watery himself. "I love you so much," Ryou whispered.

"I love you too, snowflake."

They went to kiss -

And the doorbell rang.

"Dammit!" Kek pushed himself back and began searching for his clothes. "I never thought I'd be pissed off about the arrival of pizza." He pointed a thick finger at Ryou, who just laughed as he swaddled himself in the sofa throw. "You stay there and don't move a muscle, I want my kisses."

Ryou blew him one. "I'll be waiting."

**Author's Note:**

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